My cultural awakening: The Lehman Trilogy helped me to live with my sight loss

My reduced vision badly affected my ability to appreciate films and art, but the stripped-back staging and immediacy of the play gave me back my sense of self

I began to notice my sight deteriorating in my 40s, but not just in the way that you expect it to with age. I had night blindness and blind spots in my field of view. At 44, I was diagnosed with retinitis pigmentosa, a& genetic eye condition that causes the retina cells to die. I had always been a& very visually oriented person: I was a practising architect, and someone who loved to read, draw, go to the cinema and visit art exhibitions. So when black text disappeared on a glaring white page, films became impossible to follow and artworks only took shape once explained to me, I questioned who I would be without my vision.

Around the age of 50, I had a particularly stressful year: I got divorced; dissolved my business; started a new job; moved house; and my dad died. As my life fell off a cliff, so did my eyesight, so that by 2015 my field of vision had decreased to only 5-10 degrees (a healthy average person’s is about 200 degrees). I was registered blind, but for a long time I lived in denial, not telling anyone how much vision I had lost. At work, feeling vulnerable and like I could lose my job, I presented as fully sighted, a daily performance that became exhausting. I was in survival mode, focusing on putting one foot in front of the other, hoping I wouldn’t get found out. I refused to see myself as disabled, and resisted using a white stick, but once I eventually did, I found people saw my disability before they saw me. I felt a total loss of identity. And I stopped doing the cultural things that once brought me joy.